Friendship Break-ups: An Open Letter to My Ex-BFF

Typing a letter

People change and friends fall out. And even best friends can grow apart. If you hadn’t realised, this post is a bit of a personal one today, but I’ve needed to get this off my chest for a while. And what better place to talk about my feelings than my own blog! So with that warning in mind, I’ll understand if you click away now. Maybe check out my travel inspo post for something a bit lighter?

Breaking Up with a Friend is Hard

Yes it is. But what’s even harder, is when you don’t think you are at fault. It’s been about 4 years and I’m still questioning the whole situation. I ask myself all the time if it was me. Was it something I did, something I said? I even asked you directly. And your response: “no, we just grew apart”

That’s when I knew it wasn’t me. Because no matter what you believe, I reached out to you all the time. Yet I was always greeted with a “no, not right now” or “no, I’m busy”. I’m only guilty of not asking you directly sooner.

You Stopped Talking to Everyone

It made me feel good to know I wasn’t alone. That you had cut everyone else out too and that it couldn’t have just been me that pi**ed you off. But then it had the opposite effect and made me feel worse. It made me feel worse that I was just another person for you to drop. That it was so easy for you to let go of me and our friendship. That I wasn’t important enough for you to keep in your life.

You were my best friend, the one person I spoke to everyday multiple times a day. I spoke to you more than my boyfriend, more than my mum. But still, I was easy enough for you to stop talking to.

And then I felt sad again. Sad to think that you had no one left. If you had cut us all out, all of your closest friends with no one left but those that you had only known for a year or two. Your maid of honour was a friend for all of two years and would have only had stories from the past few years. How sad that must have been to be surrounded by strangers on your wedding day.

But It Wasn’t All You, Was It?

I don’t blame you for throwing away our friendship. In all honesty I find it hard to believe you came to this decision on your own. That you weren’t manipulated by some other person and forced to stop talking to your friends. Told to stop hanging out with the people that were there for you when he wasn’t. Manipulated to think that we were the problem. The reason why you broke up in the first place.

No, it wouldn’t be fair to say it was all your choice.


I apologised when I first asked if it was me. But now I realise I wasn’t at fault. So I take it back. Why should I apologise for you choosing to cut me out? I don’t need to apologise when I have done nothing wrong. Why should I apologise for reaching out time and time again, despite being shut down and ignored?

And before you say it, I’m not looking for an apology. So don’t worry, I’m not holding my breath. Just like you I’ve moved on too. I don’t need someone like you in my life.

How to Deal with the Friendship Break-up

Some people say that dealing with the break-up of a friend can be just as bad, if not worse than the break-up of a romantic relationship. What makes it harder is that there’s no protocol for dealing with this situation. You break-up with your boyfriend, you talk to your best friend. So who can you talk to in this instance?

Whilst it has been an emotional chapter of my life, I can honestly say that just like anything, it too shall pass. I’ve found comfort in knowing that I have other strong and healthy relationships in my life. If you’re going through something similar, seek out other friends. You should develop healthy relationships with like-minded people. Meet new people and make new friends and just hope that you won’t be let down by anyone you let in again.

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  1. Fatima
    24th September 2017 / 12:45 am

    I just believe that every individual comes in our life for a reason and vice versa, and stays until he or she is supposed to stay in our lives. In some situations, such breakups happen and even with family members. I’m sure you must have coped up with this well!

  2. 24th September 2017 / 3:37 am

    Growing apart sucks, there’s no sugar coating it! I’ve been lucky that for most of my life I’ve had very low maintenance friendships where we come and go as we please and no one is offended. We all understand we have lives and sometimes it gets too crazy to keep in touch. But there are still moments of doubt where you think “Is this really it? Is there nothing else left in this friendship?” I’ve been experiencing it a bit lately, with the most important person in my life, and I’m so scared for the final outcome. The advice I tell myself is to just ride through it, while friendships and relationships can grow apart, the can also grow back together too 🙂

    • arcasela
      25th September 2017 / 1:28 pm

      It’s so difficult right. Sometimes we just have to accept that all things happen for a reason. I hope it all works out fine for you either way x

  3. Jasmin N
    24th September 2017 / 6:39 am

    I’m sorry to hear this. I recently lost a good friend, but he was such a toxic person either way.

  4. 24th September 2017 / 6:12 pm

    It can be hard to break up with a friend especially if you have had a long standing relationship and the same circle of friends. In many cases luckily people have a few different groups of friends so they can talk with someone. Sorry to hear you had to go through this.

  5. 24th September 2017 / 9:06 pm

    People come and go in our lives for lots of reasons. Hopefully you have some happy memories before everything ended.

  6. 25th September 2017 / 10:14 am

    In my experience, a friendship breakup is so much more painful than any other kind. Although the healing process is somewhat the same – there’s so many other people out there and sometimes its better to let go than cling to memories of the past.

  7. 25th September 2017 / 10:24 am

    You’re right, losing a best friend can be just as difficult as a break-up with a partner or loved one. Sorry to hear that your friendship ended but try to remember that everything happens for a reason. One door closes so another door can open. x

  8. 25th September 2017 / 10:27 am

    It’s a shame when a friendship ends isn’t it. I can be terribly hard when a relationship ends and it’s the same with friends. I think sometimes we just outgrown People and when you have mutual friends it can be hard.

  9. 25th September 2017 / 10:33 am

    I believe people come into our lives for a reason, no matter how long or short the stay. I haven’t spoken to my ex-BFF for over 15 years now and it was all her fault and the assumption she could right the wrong with a letter never got her a reply or a response x

  10. 25th September 2017 / 4:11 pm

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve had this experience with someone you were once seemingly very close to. It’s something I experienced myself, and it’s always disheartening when you realise you no longer enjoy the company of those you used to share every waking moment with, or vice versa. I can totally agree it’s worse than heartbreak, because there’s no one there who gets it. People don’t see it as a big deal like they might with a serious relationship, even though a friendship is virtually the same.

  11. 26th September 2017 / 10:28 am

    Friendships ending are never an easy thing to come to terms with. I hope you’re OK!

  12. 26th September 2017 / 3:35 pm

    It’s so hard when a friendship comes to an end so abruptly. But people come and go for a reason. I’m only close friends with a handful of people nowadays, but if I’m honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

    Louise x

  13. 27th September 2017 / 12:15 am

    I know what it’s like to lose an important friend. Although with mine it wasn’t the quick change and drop. It was the slow fade out and then disappearing from my life. These were people that meant the world to me. And it was pretty awful for sure.

  14. 28th September 2017 / 2:02 pm

    I still miss one of my best friends and can only say that we parted company because of her other half. I don;t blame her but do find it very sad we don’t see each other now

  15. 28th September 2017 / 6:56 pm

    It’s really hard when you break up with friends, I know I look back on a couple of friendships and wonder if I could have done things differently.

  16. 28th September 2017 / 8:49 pm

    Like nearly everybody says people come and go for a reason. One thing that does surprise me have been change, sometimes almost overnight

  17. 28th September 2017 / 10:47 pm

    Sometimes people change, priorities change and we no longer enjoy the company of people we once did. People move on and make new choices, change their interests so this is probably what happened in your friendship. Although its hard and it may have been one sided, respect the decision and don’t feel bitter. Instead cherish the good moments of your friendship you had and move on.

    • arcasela
      29th September 2017 / 12:44 pm

      Thanks Nayna, that’s a really positive way of thinking about it. Appreciate your comments x

  18. 29th September 2017 / 8:44 pm

    I came to the same conclusion as you when an ex-bff threw our friendship of many years away no matter what I tried.

  19. 29th September 2017 / 9:58 pm

    I’ve completely lost touch with a few of my really good friends… and fell out with a lot more. It really sucks!

  20. 1st October 2017 / 5:06 pm

    It’s a tricky one and everyone deals with things in their own way. I’m currently in the same position with a former long standing friend who despite me setting out why we had grown apart continually badgered for me to go out for beers/chats. In the end I had to block their number as they became very needy.

  21. 3rd October 2017 / 11:38 am

    It is sometimes hard when you lose touch with people, but I kind of think people are in your life for a reason.

  22. 3rd October 2017 / 9:08 pm

    I’ve been struggling with this same exact thing the past few years. I’d witnessed them do this to other friends in the past, but never thought I, practically their sister because we’d gone through so much together, would be on the wrong end of their sword. The reason in this case was obvious, though not at first, and some days I wish I never found out. Like you said, though, you have to lean on your other friends!

  23. 9th October 2017 / 6:50 pm

    You are right friendships come and go but it is sad when a best friend cuts you out without trace. I am sorry you went through this, I know what it feels like. Its not nice but hopefully time will be a great healer for you x

  24. 11th October 2017 / 11:13 am

    It’s hard losing a friend, especially a best friend. I lost mine a few years ago, she blames it on the fact she had a child and I didn’t bother to see her or the baby. Little did she know I was battling depression and couldn’t be bothered with anything or anyone. Sucks x

    • arcasela
      11th October 2017 / 4:06 pm

      That’s such a shame it worked out that way. I guess people’s priorities change and they don’t see when other people need them too. Hope you’re coping better now x

  25. 11th October 2017 / 8:18 pm

    This resonated so much with me. My BF and I stopped being friends over 5 years ago and it had such a negative effect on me. I might try a letter to her actually, just for me to see as it might help. Thank you for sharing. Kaz

  26. 11th October 2017 / 11:27 pm

    I’ve lost so many ‘friends’ recently so this really hits home. I do constantly feel like it’s my fault – but I’m not sure what I have done. It’s really made me unhappy. xx

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